354.

Music lecture again today; we found Moshe and sat next to him again lol. The kid totally forgot my name again, but remembered it was close to "Andy" and guessed it right hahaha lame. And then I doodled my name on his notebook so he wouldn't forget it hahaha. Anyhow, I really like hanging out with the guys from my music lecture (too bad I barely see them D8); they're so much fun and keep my mind off things. And then freaking Ken on the other hand keeps mentioning Kent, and then asking me if I'm sure I'm not interested in this Kyle guy. Don't get me wrong, I love Ken, but man. Totally not helping. -______-;

Anyhow, I hung out in Ken's room for a few hours after lunch, doing my music reading. He kept playing these sad Japanese songs on his guitar, which totally didn't help either and made me tear up.

Anyhow, I thought I'd feel super lonely and stuff again when I got back to my room, but it felt really nice. Probably by comparison from being in Ken's room, having to listen to sad songs pfft. Anyhow, I got all these emails from my LA Cluster TA about the new discussion that I'm in, and I read her syllabus and stuff, and I felt so behind! We had some thesis assignment that was due tomorrow that I hadn't even known about because I'd just enrolled into that section this week, and then we had to do some vocabulary/key term post onto her discussion forum about the articles, and then we had to go to class ready to discussion said articles tomorrow in class, and -- ! I had barely even skimmed all the articles too! I definitely freaked out and just started rereading the articles for a few hours. In the meanwhile, I emailed the TA and asked her about the assignment, and I guess I started calming down once I actually finished up the reading and started doing the work. I found out the assignment was actually really easy and I only had to write 2-3 sentences on what I thought the author was trying to argue in one of the articles (naturally I picked the shortest article lol), and I found and wrote my post about the key term while I was at it!

I'm all caught up for music & la cluster now; I'm still a little behind on chem, but I figure I'll bring my books home and work on it at home during the weekend. I took all these pictures of Natalie's book since the numbering's a little off in my 4th edition one. It's physics all over again, hah.

And then around 9-ish we had a meeting in Mark's room to finalize our roommate contracts.

I feel a lot better now than when I did earlier in the day. I think I just really need to relax and stop stressing. Stop worrying about other people. Stop getting frustrated at those damn North kids for posting every little detail about Homecoming as events on Facebook (I don't want to know about it; I don't want to think about it). Let go of the past. Breathe. Anyhow, it's about 10:20pm right now, and I'm gonna try to go to sleep even earlier than I did last night. So here's hoping for dreamless sleep and a good day tomorrow. ♥

353.

I had my first chem discussion today, and I felt SO much better about the class afterwards! Our TA was great, and I loved the classroom setting and how the lesson seemed so much more personal than it did in the huge lecture hall. Anyhow, I was sitting outside the lecture hall after my discussion (cuhs I have an hour break in the middle) with Adrian and suddenly I see Prisca! This is the first time I've seen her since graduation, and we have kind of drifted apart in the past few years, but it's just so nice seeing a familiar face now!

After the lecture, Prisca had to run off to her next class, so I just stuck with Adrian, Marcos, Michelle, and Valentina. They were looking for a computer lab and Adrian led us into this room in the Student Activity Center, and ... it turned out to be this gay-lesbian room or something. And the first thing I saw on the wall was the penis in front of the rainbow on the top row.

I met up with Ken and Andy for lunch (and I saw Garrett for the first time since we met last week) and it was really convenient since my next class was right upstairs from where we were eating in De Neve, so I ate until 12:25pm-ish, and then I ran upstairs for my cluster lecture with Fatemah at 12:30pm lol. On that note, the lecture was so goddamn boring. The lady was a horrible speaker. I was definitely relieved to hear everyone talking amongst themselves about how they didn't absorb a word of what the lady was saying as they left the lecture hall.

I basically just spent the rest of the day watching tv and doing chem problems. Still playing catch-up.

For dinner I decided to try out Rendezvous, one of the residence restaurants (cuhs Ken went ahead and ditched me for dinner |:). I was really confused cuhs I saw the sign say that swipes got us noodles or salads, so I asked for the chicken yakisoba. And I thought they were gonna call up our orders, but apparently you went up and gave them your receipt and they fill a box for you. And I was totally lost and confused, and I thought they were just extra sides, and I got whatever and ... there were no noodles anywhere! e_____e I'm so confused! I mean, I'm not complaining or anything cuhs the food was great and I got way more than I could finish eating, but still!

And then it started raining as I was walking back to Hitch. See, Annie, the world's crying so you don't have to. ♥

And then we had a fire drill. At first it was kind of a distant ringing that we all heard, and Natalie was stubborn and was determined not to leave the room. And then all of a sudden it intensified and it was this loud, obnoxious sound and we all rushed outside to the parking lot lol.

Anyhow, I think I'm gonna call it an early night. Even if 11pm's not that early, but it's earlier than usual. But I've been really tired lately and I look like hell so yeah lol.

352.

Do you want to know a secret? I still want to be with him. How pathetic, right, hahah. But the funny thing is that I feel so much better admitting it. It's like I can breathe again now. (:

Prof. Hall: You love his Jew `fro.

Hahaha. We went to music today, and I said I wanted to find the little kid again, and Ken just found us some seats on the right, and then Andy spotted him! And Ken was like telling us how stupid we were being cuhs he's still just a kid, and I was like whatever, let's go Andy! And then John was like, "I want in on this too!" and went to sit next to him with us hahaha. And then Ken had to follow us, except there were only three seats in a row, so Ken had to sit two seats over from John hahaha. xD Anyhow, Moshe remembered us! ... Even if he didn't remember our names hahaha whatever. The guys really hit it off with him, and they were throwing imaginary grenades at each other before class LOL (what do you expect, he still is a 12 year old after all ... maybe that applies for all three of them hahaha). Andy was being a creep and I made him sound even creepier when I was telling Ken about it afterwards and made it sound like he was hitting on the kid HAHAHA. ♥

[ LISTEN HERE! ]

So John got a hold of my recorder lol.

We went to Jamba Juice after class, and I thought we were gonna meet Fatemah and Rukhsar for lunch, but they brought their own food and started eating it already. |: So Ken and I just grabbed some food at De Neve lol. We met them in the plaza afterwards though.

Fatemah had some club meeting so Rukhsar and I just headed back to my room and talked. And then Fatemah came. And then Rukhsar had a class so she left. So Fatemah and I just hung out lol. It was really nice to see them again though; I haven't seen them since we graduated!

After they left I tried doing some homework, and I just felt so suffocated and lonely and bored and unproductive and everything being in the quiet room by myself. Which is when I made that little confession to myself that I have at the beginning of the post. It's funny, I haven't even been able to admit that to myself until now, but it just kind of felt like a huge weight off my chest once I put it out there. And I don't know if it actually made things any better -- maybe it just made it worse -- but one step at a time, right?

I turned on the tv and The Office was on, and I was finally comfortable enough to settle down and get some homework done without feeling suffocated.

Ken and Liz went to this Japanese club thing (NSU or something), and I met up with them for dinner, and also met some of their other Japanese friends lol. One of them was Yui, and Yui, Liz, and I were heading up to Hitch because they wanted to see my room, and we walked into the Hitch grounds, and there were these two raccoons by a tree! And it seemed so unreal because I've never seen an actual raccoon before! Anyhow, I tried taking pictures of them, but my flash made their eyes look like they were glowing hahaha. Creepy!

I GOT THE JOB. OH MY GOD. I'm so happy right now! I got a job! And I get to use Photoshop! Granted they told me yesterday that there'd be little creativity involved, but still! And it pays $12.58 an hour, holy shit (or at least according to the work study site it does)! Things are finally starting to come back together for me. This is the start of many good things to come; I'm sure of it. (`:

351.

I had the worst possible dream I could have at this point lol. But I didn't cry this morning, so that's a good sign. (:

I had all three classes today; music discussion in the morning (there was this giant, Stover-esque guy in my class!), then chem lecture (the place was packed and I barely managed to find a seat in the back!), and then I got lost trying to take a shortcut back to the dorms, and then lunch with Ken at Covel.

I had my LA Cluster lecture in De Neve at 12:30pm, and I found out yesterday that Fatemah was in that class, so I asked her to save me a seat! When I was making my way to my seat I found out Rodal was taking the class too (she sat two seats to my right lol) and she's in my discussion as well! Anyhow, the class was alright; I still did some zoning in and out, but that's just cuhs I had other things on my mind lol. I went to Dodd Hall afterwards for my interview for the Art History - Photoshop position (I saw Maya Tanaka there; apparently she works there!) and ... it really wasn't much of an interview. The two people were basically just making conversation between themselves as they passed my application around. They asked me one question: What I did like to do in my free time? I said photoshop and graphic design, which is what appealed to me about this job. They also started talking about how they don't hire many first years because of the quarter system and how many first years aren't used to it, and I just said that last year I took 6 APs, had a job, was on the swim team, and had piano every day, and they seemed impressed. Anyhow, I don't really know how it went; I don't think I'll get it, but I guess I'll find out this week lol.

It is so goddamn hot today. I was walking back to Hitch, and I seriously felt like I was a) going to die, or b) going to pass out. I had this feeling like I'd vomit any second and asdf. When I finally reached my dorm there was no cold water in the fridge. DDDDD; So I just settled for a not-cold one lol. I had the rest of the day free, so I sat myself in front of Alyssa's fan and did some reading (and by reading I mean skimming, and by skimming I mean scrolling down the pages) for the LA Cluster.

Around 6pm I grabbed some chem stuff and headed over to Ken's room where there is AIR CONDITIONING. ♥ ... But then we had dinner shortly afterwards with Natsha, so I got very little done lol. Afterwards Ken and I just hung out outside his dorm with his guitar and sang for a little bit; Liz came and went. Also, note to self: the word is serenading. Not senerading. I don't know why I've always said it like that lol.

I also had this kind of hypothetical conversation in my head that made me lol while I was walking back to Hitch:

Me: Ken's one of my best guy friends!
Ken's roommate: What's his favorite color?
Me: ... Uh. Gree ... blu ... blac ... OMG ORANGE. GODDAMMIT.

The fam brought the keyboard! ♥

We had a mocktail party on the sundeck at 9:08pm (I just realized they made it 9:08 so it rhymes with "don't be late" lol). It was actually pretty fun! I got to know the guys that live next door to us a little better, and I also met that Ryland guy whose way of talking I decided pissed me off lol (he's a nice guy actually hahaha; apparently he's half Chinese & half Jewish!) But yes, it was a lot of fun. I'm finally getting to know the people I live with! (:

When I got back from Mark's room (the whole C building had a meeting because we're hosting the next "Monday Fun-Day" party) I just played piano for a few hours. Natalie played a little but she wouldn't let me get her face in the picture hahaha.
--
I always wanted to end it on a good note, you know?

35O.

Woke up at 7am again and cried again. But a little less this time. One step at a time, one day at a time. ♥

I woke up again two hours later and checked the openings in classes, since I've gotten into a habit of doing that, and OMG THERE WERE NEW OPENINGS IN THE LA CLUSTER. I weighed the cons and pros in my mind quickly and then jumped at the chance to ditch my 3-4:50pm discussion for the 11-12:50pm one. On the one hand I felt slightly apologetic to Nina, who I had kind of briefly befriended, for leaving the class without letting her know, but then I realized if she had the chance, she totally would've done the same thing lol.

At 6pm Andy and I had a YMCA meeting that we had to go to, and it was boring. |:

Afterwards we grabbed some dinner at Chipotle (I consented to paying since I figure he buys me food all the time lol) and Andy was determined to go to Ralphs to buy more cat food for the stupid cats lol.

And then at 10pm, Andy drove us back to UCLA.

349.

The mornings are always the worst. I woke up at 7am and cried a little and talked to Mom a little more. And then I fell asleep for three more hours lol.

I went into my old room to do the reading for Music; it's so clean and spacious now! I think Eva sleeps here now that we're gone.

After I tutored Louie, I had this urge to find, print out, and play that "Summer" song; Naomi played it for us at Tiffany's house this summer, and I heard someone else play it in the rec room at UCLA. I can't quite explain it; this song just feels like the theme song of my life right now. It's a little sad and it's a little hopeful. It just really speaks to me.

Mom got us tickets to the Hollywood Bowl for this Sound of Music singalong, so we went over to Wilson Park to board the bus. There were all these little kids dressed up! That girl over there was dressed as a deer, and when I saw all these other kids with a teacup and signs saying "far" and "la," I realized it was for the "Do Re Mi" song hahah.

Mom bought me a brownie because I had this craving for one and ... it was pretty bad. Note to self: food at the Hollywood Bowl is cheap and overpriced. ... Lol oxymoron. Kind of. Hah.

They had Melissa Peterson hosting the pre-show; she was Barbara Jean from Reba, and I thought that was kind of cool. Except she's kind of insane hahaha.

They had this costume contest thing, and I thought it was a little stupid because some people were barely wearing anything in resemblance to the movie, and claiming they were dressed up as Liesl or something lol. At the end they announced that first place got this seven day Mexico cruise thing, and we were like holy shit! Lol. It's totally geared towards kids though hahah; this little girl dressed up in a yellow teardrop ("Ray, a drop of golden sun") won. It was really hahah.

I think going into this event, Mom and I both thought it was supposed to be some kind of concert, but it was basically a showing of the movie. We were given a goody bag with all these little things that could be used for audience participation (like there was a card with a question mark and another one with Maria on that we could wave for the song "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?") but we didn't really participate for most of the items lol.

When the Captain sings "Edelweiss," we were supposed to pull out this plastic edelweiss flower they provided us, but everyone just pulled out their cell phones hahah. It totally reminded me of the Star Wars-lightsaber moment the last time we were here. We also got party poppers to pop when the Captain and Maria kiss, and everyone did that one! I've never used a party popper before (or if I had it was a very long time ago), and I had no idea which end it would pop, so when I pulled the string, it exploded in my hand! And then a second later Mom popped hers in her hand too! It was really hilarious though, because towards the end of the movie when Rolf finds the family in the cementary, he says "Not another step, I'll shoot!" and all these people pulled their poppers LOLLLL. Mom and I couldn't stop cracking up at that hahahaha.

Anyhow, we got home and I played piano for a while. I'm gonna try to get Mom to ask Dan if I can borrow one of his keyboards and bring it to UCLA lol.

348.

I hate the mornings; I always lie in bed and think about things I don't want to be thinking about. You were right; I don't know what I was trying to accomplish. There's nothing that can be done now except to move on. I am crushed though, because until now I thought we were still on the same page, and we're so obviously not. I listened to your voice and it was cold and indifferent and you weren't even the same person anymore. I wish the time we had together counted for something though. I wish you'd at least care about how I felt. Something in me's broken and it's not my bones.

And I want it fixed.
--
Good God I'm dropping weight like crazy. Only three more pounds to go.

I decided to grab some breakfast this morning; I headed over to Hedrick first and it was closed, because apparently they don't even serve breakfast there! And then I headed to Covel, and people were mumbling about it being closed already, but I just walked through the doors when people opened it to walk out, and there was no one at the podium to swipe cards so I just walked in for free hahaha. Anyhow, my eating's starting to make me nervous, because you know it's bad when you can't even tell if the pain in your stomach's because you're hungry of if you're full. But seriously! Just three more pounds! D: I'll fix it soon!

I headed over to my chem lecture, and saw Adrian there. I also saw Marcos there for the first time since orientation; he wouldn't say hi because I didn't say please last time hahaha. Apparently he's been telling everyone that story, and he actually introduced me to one of his friends as the girl who wouldn't say please for his laptop hahaha. But yeah; the chem lecture was really boring! I kept zoning in and out. D: The fact that I have no interest at all in this stuff makes me really nervous for my future, but I guess we'll see how it goes for now.

Afterwards Marcos and Michelle (one of their friends; I sat next to her and she was really nice!) and I all had gaps in our schedule, so I dragged them over to Dodd Hall with me to check out that Art History-Photoshop job. The lady finally emailed me about an interview, and I responded with a time that worked for me, but she never emailed me back to confirm, so I figured I'd go and check it out myself. They were actually in the middle of an interview when I went, so she asked me to come back around noon (which was in an hour), so I just sat down with Marcos and Michelle and talked for a while. After the hour I headed back over by myself and the lady dug up my application that I sent in a few months ago and flipped through it, then scheduled an appointment on Monday at 2:30pm. I don't think I'll get it though; she was really surprised when she saw that I was a freshman plus I've taken no Art History classes, so there's really a lack of experience there. I guess the interview's just a formality, so I'll take it, but still. I guess it really is hard to get work study jobs when you're a first year. Maybe I'll just try applying for an ASUCLA job; it's way closer to the dorms anyway.

I had my second class, the LA cluster, at 3pm; I hate having that huge gap in my schedule, so I tried going to the class before that and asking the TA if I could squish into that class, but apparently the instructors are different for that class and my class, so it wasn't as simple as I thought it'd be, but she handed me her class policy anyway and advised me to keep checking the website to see if anyone drops. I went back over for my own discussion in two hours, and I really didn't think much of it. The TA seemed pretty chill; we basically just went over what the class would be about and he put us into pairs and had us get to know our neighbor and introduce them. I was partnered with this girl named Nina who I'd already been talking to before the class started; we both wanted to switch our class times lol. Afterwards we had an informal writing assignment about our impression of Los Angeles just from our volunteering experience, and I talked about how we were kind of in a ghetto part of Hollywood, and how there was all these cigarettes and broken vodka bottles everywhere, but that the very presence of this shelter and all these students striving to make the area better in the midst of all this destitution was surely a sign that there was more to this city than what my first impression offered.

... God I wish I actually worded it like that. Sounds so much better hahah.
--
Dad picked me up at 5:30pm and we drove home. I suddenly remembered what Vanessa told me that time I took Andy's shift at the YMCA and talked to her, and it all came crashing down on me; everything she said was right. It all made sense. Why he wanted to be friends one day and not the next. I thought the time span was a month, but it was actually only a week. It hit me like a ton of bricks and hurt like hell too. I cried in the car and told Dad about Kent and everything that's happened in the past few days. And I love Dad; he was really lighthearted about the whole thing and made me laugh. I still want to talk to Mom though lol.

I felt a little sickish and nauseous when I got home, but Mom wasn't done with lessons until 9:30pm, so I took up Jen's offer to hang out. I picked her up from Kumon and we went over to Umemura for some take-out (Jen originally wanted KBBQ, but Mom asked me to bring her some ramen, and it was just more convenient for me lol).

We watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and ... it was really bad. -___-; Jen said she really liked it, but there is so little depth and development in this movie! And it's weird because all the literary characters are accepted as normal people in the movie and not as fictional, literary characters! Towards the end I didn't feel so great and was getting sleepy, so Jen sped up the movie and skipped around to her favorite parts.

I got home just before Mom finished her lesson. We talked for a long time and I cried for a long time too, but it feels really good to be able to cry openly. I said I didn't want to see him succeed; I wanted to see him fail at every aspect of his life, but Mom said I was having a narrow heart. She said not to hate him because that means I still love him. Whatever happens to him is not my concern anymore; it's irrelevant to me now.

I decided it was finally time for a clean break from him. I deleted him from facebook, my phone, my blog, any means of contact I still had with him. I still have our pictures on my inspiration wall because I see that as a different person and it doesn't hurt to see him; the person who I talked to the other day was a stranger. I asked Mom how I move on from something like this and she said step by step, day by day.

You know, I really hate Andy's temper, but I want to find someone like him. We have a really similar approach to love. He's so good to Lauren and I wish she'd see it. She's not the prettiest and she's not the smartest and a lot of the time she doesn't even seem to like him, but he stands by her. And there's something really beautiful about that.

347.

First class. (: I met up with Ken, Andy, and Ryan (Ken's other roommate) in front of Covel around 8:20am (Andy was like ten minutes late lol) and we all headed to the Schoenberg building together. We had music, and I actually really liked it! I really like the professor; he just has a really comfortable way of talking and at just the right pace. He showed us all these videos as examples and I was pretty interested! We wanted to sit towards the front but not in the very first row, so we all split up into pairs and sat in staggered rows; Ken went with Ryan, and I sat by Andy. I was kind of bummed at first because there was no one sitting to my left because the guy in the next seat over just had his backpack there. During the ten minute break in the minute I suddenly noticed that the guy to the left of my left was a kid! Andy and I talked to him and his name's Mushe and he's 12 years old, and apparently he's been attending some other college since he was eight! This was his first class at UCLA too, and he's majoring in math. I kept asking him if he was a super genius hahah. Anyhow, I hope we sit next to him again next week too; I'd love to be friends with a child prodigy. I can be like his big sister! 8D Ehehehe. Andy and I went up to introduce ourselves to the professor after meeting the child prodigy since we saw all these other people doing so, and it sounded like a good idea. Ken asked why we bothered since there was no way he'd remember us, but I think he will if we do it enough times! Hahaha. Andy (my brother) told us we'd never need our books in class, so I left mine in my room ... and we did end up flipping through it lol. So I ended up just sharing books with the other Andy. I got to use my new recorder too! (8

Turns out John was in that class too; after class we all went to De Neve to grab some lunch. John had a class at 12:30pm so he took off, and then Andy had one at 1pm so he left shortly afterwards too. I just hung out in Ken and Ryan's room for a while. I was actually really tired and even briefly fell asleep on Ken's bed for a while as he played CoD on his other roommate's x-box lol.

Around 3pm the two guys wanted to go to the gym, and I headed back to Hitch to get some shoes. When I got there everyone was just sitting in the living room, either doing homework or just talking, and I just sat in at the table for a while, and it was just so nice having everyone there and just talking. I ended up leaving and heading towards the gym about 40 minutes later, and I actually ran into Ken and Ryan as they were walking back to their dorm lol.

I met another one of Ken's friends that lived on their floor, Scott, and he brought over these intense workout dvds and they were doing them, and it was kind of fun to watch because Ken sounded like he was gonna choke on air and die hahaha. Maybe I'll try it with them next time!

After a while Ken and Ryan both just started to read their music textbooks so I just headed back. I tried reading my book earlier, and didn't get very far; I'm just so used to being unproductive hahah. Anyhow, I just brought my laptop out to the living room and chilled with my roommates and ...

... I really love these girls. (8 ♥

Around 7:30pm we went out to the sundeck to play capture the flag (which was just a lot of connected glowy plastic pieces) with the C & A buildings; at first it was literally just three people from our dorm (and a crapload of people from A!), but more and more people came as we went! It was funny cuhs we got those guys from the second floor with the massive tv who are constantly x-box-ing, and before we started they actually ran back into their rooms and changed from white t-shirts to black ones so they wouldn't be recognized as easily hahaha. We lost the first round so easily because even with all the extra people we were greatly outnumbered by A, and we all just kind of charged for the flag and no one was defending ours lol.

The second round we thought up a lot of great hiding places, but ultimately settled for sticking it in a grate because it was heavy to lift, and we'd be able to tag them while they were lifting it. Then we covered most of it up with leaves and rocks and such hahaha.

We had a great defense the second time around; it was practically a fortress! Basically we had people stationed everywhere so no one could even get in hahah.

Some people got super into it! One guy, in an attempt to jailbreak, jumped over the side of the building and lowered himself from the railing so he could tag people with his feet and free them, but then he couldn't get back up and we had to help him ... and then send him to jail hahaha. Another guy went down this deep trench and was trekking all around the outside of the building! At one point there was a jailbreak and I totally got tackled by one of my own teammates as he was trying to retag people! This round ended up a draw hahah.

Afterwards Devin had to grab her laundry so we helped her and headed back upstairs.

We finally got around to doing that roommate contract; Rodal finally showed up! I guess she's been busy all week hanging out with her sister who's about to leaved, and rushing for sororities. It's so weird because I feel like I know all the other girls so well now and I barely even know my last suitemate!

The guys on the second floor came up and said hi; apparently it's Dean's birthday today (he's the one who rammed me lol) and they invited us down for some Diddy Riese cookies and cupcakes (which were delicious ♥). I was pretty exhausted after a while, so Madison and I headed back up around 11:30pm or so.